Dark Matter vs Petrified Couch Stuffing
by Sakuragane San
Summary: No matter which one wins or loses you'll want to run the maple away from those two and the establishment. Dark matter is canon, I got the name petrified couch stuffing from 'The Parent Trap' by libertea (seeyousoo), over on AO3. I'm splitting their POVs into two parts, one in the beginning, and one in the kitch-hazardous and radioactive zone.


**A/N:** I've had this idea for a while now, about whose 'food' is worser, Otae's or England's, and then I read 'Invisible Buddies' by Triangular Prism over on FFN. Which made me think, a crossover is just two (or more) universes smooshed together. So why not do it for the equally radioactive char that both only seem to be capable of making out of virtually anything. Then on a run the idea grew into a plot bunny. So here we are. I hope it doesn't die off too soon yet.

This is my first time writing England, and most of the characters here. Sorry if they seem a little OOC to you. Otherwise, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

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England's POV of 'Dark Matter vs. Petrified Couch Stuffing'

England: They're perfectly fine scones, thank you very much!

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Visiting Japan, England had some extra time before hopping on a plane to his next conference who-knows-where. He wandered around, letting his feet take them wherever they fancied, Soon, he found himself standing in the streets of Kabukichou. He faintly picked up that someone was following him, and doing a darn good job at it!, but he shrugged it off because, maybe it's just a coincidence that the lad happens to go this way as well.

Up ahead, his ears picked up snippets of a conversation, though it sounded more like a daily occurring ruckus than a calm, civilized conversation held between gentlemen. Ahem. Feeling curious, he walked towards where he deemed the commotion was.

"...Ahh! Aneue! Please step away from the stoves, actually, get out of the kitchens! We'll handle the cooking, you can go rest! Aneue!"

'Huh, that sounds suspiciously familiar. I'm definitely checking the place out. Hopefully, there's alcohol,' mused England, still trying to shrug off the feeling of being followed.

'Snack Otose… and… Yorozu...ya… Gin-chan? Funny names, I wonder if this will actually do anything you ask' mouthed England to himself.

Walking into the bar, England was greeted by a sight that felt strangely familiar. How so, he wasn't sure.

"Ah, how may I help you… and ignore… that." said an old lady, a cigarette in her left hand, gesturing at the commotion.

"Do you have any alcohol? And do you know what's going on there?" asked England politely in lightly accented Japanese.

If she was surprised a foreigner could speak Japanese so well, she didn't comment on it. Instead, she nodded.

"We have…" she proceeded to rattle off ten different types of sake, along with some 30 different alcoholic drinks from around world, and even five from other planets. To say England was impressed would be a bit of an understatement. Most pubs back home didn't have that much variety, considering the size of the estate.

Thinking over it for a couple of minutes he answered, "I'll have the 'Junmai Daiginjou-shu'. Thank you, and I'm still curious about... that." he trailed off, looking toward the still ongoing chaos, and was that smoke?

All he got in response was a pair of shifty eyes, eyes that said 'You don't want to know, you really don't'.

He replied with his eyes, 'Well, what's the worse that can happen?' Then he said, "I'm Arthur, nice to meet you. Now can you tell me what's going on?"

By now, most of the other beings who were also in the shop were quite frantically shaking their heads as well. England pointedly ignored them. He was the Absolutely Invincible British Gentleman after all, he can take on anybody and anything. He was met with a challenging look, 'Well, why don't you ask them yourself then?' He sniffed, nodded, looked at his sake cup. Huh, it's empty, wonder when I finished that.

He got up and walked towards what looked like a teenaged boy trying to wrestle his sister out of a kitchen.

"Hello, do you two mind telling me what's going on? It seems quite exciting over here. Oh, I'm Arthur, you're Glasses and you're Ponytail. Introductions over, I really want to know what this is about."

Glasses sighed, then he said, "First of all, my name is Shimura, not 'Glasses', if you must, call me Shinpachi. My sister over here is trying to cook; I'm trying to save this kitchen and building. And where is Gin-san when you need him?"

"Shin-chan, don't give Mr. Eyebrows any weird ideas. I'm sorry about him, his mentor isn't that big on manners, actually, his mentor doesn't have manners at all. I'm Shimura Tae, would you like to try some of my tamagoyaki?" Ponytail smiled at him.

England nodded, he had some of Japan's tamagoyaki before. They weren't that bad, so why was nearly everyone looking at him with wide eyes? It wasn't like he was walking into a death trap, was he?

Tae walked back out carrying a tray of what seemed to be tamagoyaki. Huh, they don't look like Japan's. Well, it's still tamagoyaki. Trying some of them, (he keeled over, falling into a coma! Hahaha! ...No, that didn't happen, anyway) he lit up.

"Hey, can you give the recipe or teach me how to make this? I can teach you how to make scones, we can have a recipe exchange! Do you have an oven?" said England, getting quite excited because he finally found something as good as his scones (*coughchokecough*).

Tae blinked at him, apparently not expecting his reaction, before brightening up. She said, "Of course! Here, I can show you right now!" She led him to the very kitchen her brother was trying to get her to leave.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shinpachi paling, sighing, and then shaking his head. Teenagers nowadays don't know what 'cuisine' is; he made a mental note to bring that up to Japan. But for now, he has a lesson to learn and a lesson to teach! Tata!

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**A/N:** I've found a justification! England is OOC because he finally found somebody that he can connect with on a cooking level. No, that is not really me taking advant- actually, it is. Hmm, *shrugs*, what can you do.  
So, what did you all think of the first chapter?


End file.
